Hot Topic: Arnie's finest acting role to date, with many Blarghalargle's throughout

So this is Christmas, and what have you done??? Well this week, within the kitchen, we've kept our themes of conversation topical, at least semi topical. And, funnily enough, whilst your at home, spending the day with the family, or out at a place, eating an overpriced meal with overpriced wine wearing an overpriced Christmas jumper with a fluffy nose on Rudolph, just remember, we're the poor bastards cooking your food. Merry Christmas...

Soooooooo, what have we been talking about this week. First topic up for you is festive...yay(!) We decided to see what peoples favourite Christmas films were and why those festive treats were their particular favourites. That's right, we did a poll. So. What won? What film did we find most popular at Christmas time??? Well low and behold, it was the Nightmare before Christmas, very safe people, very safe. Some gems were suggested though, this intrepid writer argued the brilliance of Die Hard and Die Hard 2: Die Harder. In my mind, perhaps the greatest Christmas film ever invented, what more could you want out of a Christmas movie? You have your plot of John Maclane is trying to reconcile with his wife and kids and travels the ends of the US of A to get to them, there's some comedy hijinks, catchy one liners and an obstacle for him to overcome before he can reconcile with the lovely Holly Maclane. Ok, that obstacle is Hans Gruber and his band of merry terrorists, and of course, Ellis the sleazy bastard, but it's ok, he dies and its sweet that he does. Cause he's a prick. And we want him to die. And he does. Another notable mention goes to Chris with Gremlins. Little bastard monsters fuck up a town, whilst that years favourite collectable toy, Gizmo, trys to stop them by being monumentally cute. Mogwai... Best scene, some old granny riding her stair lift to heaven. We also had Jingle all the way mentioned, perhaps Arnie's finest acting role to date, with many Blarghalargle's throughout, The Muppet's Christmas Carol, my second favorite Christmas film, Scrooged with the deadpan Bill Murray, Home Alone and funnily enough Little Women and Batman... Slight wildcards there, however each to their own! So Nightmare Before Christmas won, congratulations Jack Skellington and co. Spindly git.

Onto our second topic of rumination for the week. Kim Jong Il has finally popped his teeny tiny clogs and his son, Kim Jong Un is to step into his fathers teeny tiny shoes. In honor of everybody's favourite diminutive dictator we wondered if you could be a dictator and were allowed one evil bond villain like scheme, what would that scheme be?? So, Phill being the sex pest that he is, decided that as dictator he would target all the women of the world with daddy issues. If I'm honest, I stole my idea from the amazingly brilliant, Die You Zombie Bastards and that as Dictator, my evil scheme would be to have a top team of scientist set to work on genetically implanting gills into the necks of women so it gives them the ability to go down on men for longer. Men of my country would adore me, the women, not so much, but bollocks to it, it's my country and the suffragets can all go jump under horses like Ms Pankhurst. The topic then veered towards a much more women friendly area, with the suggestion of free feminine products for all women, as to be honest, they all need them and no one likes paying for them. Fair dos ladies of the world. I once knew someone who's father despised paying for toilet paper and therefore would hide it under the shopping trolley and steal it every week without fail. I suppose it's better than using the cat. Other lovely suggestions were to snipe people driving recklessly instead of speed cameras, compulsory death sentences to those who speak on quiet coaches on trains and the death of all those who wear skinny jeans. Other notable ideas could be the implemention of a space program using just a ladder and a bloke from Swindon, the banning of all MMORPG's and the forcing of all their users to go into the real world and be adventurers, all being filmed and having their real worldly encounters chosen by the viewers at home, with all proceeds from the phone in options going towards my man up a ladder space fund. It would be the greatest show the Earth has ever created, like a Takeshi's Castle with fat, sweaty teenage virgins. Called Tristan and Keanu. With sociopath tendancies. And an addiction to some form of carbonated drink, such as Mountain Dew.

I guess the idea of being a dictator appeals to me, what with all the Command and Conquer I used to play, and the Starcraft I play now. And I'm also quite cruel minded, I think I'd also have trolley jousting, with real jousts. And mines.

Anyway onto topic number three.

When it comes to zombies, which ones do you prefer? Is it the slow moving, shambling, classic zombies who mournfully shuffle towards you in packs, snarling, moaning, baying for your blood, guts and BRAAAAINS? Or do you prefer the newer, faster zombies, who sprint at break neck speed, ripping off your head in a flash, before you could finish that mars bar. We decided upon the slow, shambolic ones, and here's why. When something is dead, it does not become super human, it is dead. Therefore, ankle bones would snap, tendons shrivel and wither and basically, it wouldn't be able to leggit at you!! Plus, it's a damn sight easier to kill a slow ass zombie, and you could add elements of fun to the zombie killing, having competitions etc. Fast ones are a bit harder to take out really.
And finally, we decided to talk about the age old conundrum, is the stinkier the cheese, the better? The majority of us on Christmas eve decided no. I'm a red leicester lover. How about you?? Let us know and I can take the piss out of you for liking cheese that smells like smegma.

Happy Christmas you fuckers


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