Hot Topic: Lady nicotine's speckled nipples

Hello, welkommen, bienvenue and what tha fuck are ya doin back here!?! Welcome to this weeks Hot Topic, where cats are weapons in the war on smokers, Transformers have sex, Mr Staypuft's sister gets sucked and Selby gets it's own reality TV show. For real.

Pinched from Cats in Lingerie

So, myself and Chris the Mexican sex pest are stopping smoking, and in a catholic like confessional, it has been seven days since my last cigarette. "Very good my son, now go forth, smoke five Marlboro Lights, drink 3 Koppaberg and shag a girl called Mary" I hear you say in your best pedophile priest voice. Or Irish. And in honor of the fact that I am now becoming like most of the human race, we decided to start chatting about Nicotine Replacement Therapies or alternative ways to help give up the dreaded tobacco and it's beautiful nicotine teet. Several ideas leaped forth from our brains, like ferrets with a jet pack, and firstly we decided upon the idea of being taken away for two weeks, locked in a small, cylindrical room and being forced to masturbate furiously every time you felt the need to suckle upon lady nicotine's speckled nipples. Whilst initially this sounded like an everyman wankers wet dream, upon thinking of the consequences, perhaps this idea was a little flawed. What you would have, are a group of socially inept people who have been conditioned to power wank every time they fancy a fag. I imagine they would all have lazy eyes as well due to the sheer amounts of jet propulsion spunk that had been shot at them like super soakers. Perhaps this would not be the way to go. So idea number two. Your own personal dinnerlady to protect you. Remember when in primary school, or infants school or whatever, and you had a problem, there was always the friendly dinnerlady, who would help you out and make sure you were okay. Well how about (dun da da da dun dun dun duuuuuuuuun) assigning dinnerladies to reforming smokers? When you feel crap, they could give you a cuddle or a cheeky wink, and when you fall off the wagon, as most smokers do when they stare at the white and orange filtered pole of smokey goodness, they could slap you round the face with their bingo wings, allowing you to bask in their stretch marked glory. Not a fan of that? Okay how about having cats which are psychically linked to you, and whenever you need a cigarette, they attach themselves firmly to your testicles, swinging on you like an insolent, Stalinist furry pendulum? No? What if they were dressed up like most of the other cats on the internet? Or, in between acting as an evil anchor, they played songs on a keyboard? No? Okay moving on, it was suggested to me to buy a full packet of cigarettes, stand in the street and shout at them at full volume. Surely, you'd end up sounding like the town's raving mad homophobic dickhead. "You fucking fags! How dare you make me suck your tip!"
In the end, I've settled for Nicotine gum and herbal cigarettes, comprised of Red Clover, Rose Petals and wait for it... MARSHMALLOW HERB! That's right Mr Staypuft, I'm sucking on a bit of your sister.

Okay, enough about smoking and ways and means of stopping, onto the second major discussion we've had this week. Selby, North Yorkshire, England, UK is quite possibly going to be getting a reality TV show made there, "The only way is Ousegate". Now, for those who don't know, it'll be based in the Pub/music venue The Riverside and follow regulars, staff and bands. If my experience of the Riv is anything to go by, which is going there on New Years just gone, the program will go as follows:

Exterior Scene: Man being escorted out with blood running down his face after deciding to smash a bottle over his head
Interior Scene: "At the bar" a short woman orders 12 shots of Sours, a vodka orange and a pint of bitter, proceeds to neck every single one. Later seen throwing up.
Interior Scene: Band playing songs by "The Heavy Metal Band Slayer"
Exterior Scene: Fat man falls out of door (me) and is slightly sick...

And so on and so forth. So, I have never watched "The only way is Essex" or "Desperate Scousewives", "Made in Chelsea" or whatever other scripted reality TV shows. I know about Vaggazles, which sound like an explosion of tinsel and fairy lights at an abattoir, especially if it comes to that time of the month. And what if the men of Selby all decided to get Pigazzled in a stunt for T.O.W.I.O, it would look like a bunch of cocktail sausages in drag.  Will it be a good thing or a bad thing? Time will tell, should be interesting to see how it goes. On a side note, I started playing with the abbreviations and making up different show names. It's quite fun!

• Teenagers With Attitude: Telford....
• Come Up North Tottenham
• Some Other Desperate Old Mares in Yeovil
• Sun, Highchairs, Ice cream: Torquay

Final thought of the week, have you ever heard Skrillex (infact, Grammy Award Nominee skrillex) and his other dubstep counterparts? Well, it was decided that this particular type of music sounds like Transformers having sex. Gotta love some BumbleBee on Starscream action.

Anyways, that's enough for this week, I'm off to watch some real sport, that's fucking right, it's the darts, and some big fat geezer in a huge pink T-Shirt is coming down the aisle to "Who Let The Dogs Out". I am not moving til this bad boy is watched. Laters.