Hot Topic: Go daisy chain amongst yourselves boys

So...It's a new year. And I took a break, to get pissed mainly and end up as the human version of the game Buckaroo, with a chair, footrest, christmas tree and a HUMAN MAN all balanced on me whilst I was asleep. Then, and I write this through gritted teeth and with a look of venomous contempt and disgust upon my face, they proceeded to slap my forehead with testicles and peni, finally smearing my face with salsa and "Simba"-ing me. I fucking hate you "friends". You know who you are. Anyway, back to the prewritten narrative...
The year of the end of the world. Fuck. I had shit loads to do, better cram a shed load of things in this year. I'll be the plucky Brit trying to light a BBQ when that 1000 foot tidal wave hits. So, people of the internet with your rainbow poptart cats, memememes, trolls, peadophillic bears and Rebecca Black, what shite have we been chatting about lately??



So, Perfect threesome. Yes we wondered who would be the likely choices to have in a perfect threesome. If I had my way, it would be pre-Brangelina Angelina Jolie, when that woman was the rightest kind of skank, and Shirley Manson from Garbage, I still remember the way she went all deep voiced one day on top of the pops doing a rendition of "I Think I'm Paranoid" and getting strange stirrings from somewhere within my groin, I had become a man, and my mum was eating a Fox's Party Ring and sipping a cup of tea behind me. Score. At least I blossomed into a Daily Sport stealing, socking sticking together normal teenager some years later. I seem to remember Katy Perry's name getting thrown about a lot as well, and the idea of her being thrown about and having her "back doors smashed in" which in my mind seems quite hurtful especially since her and Russell Brand have now parted ways...shame on you men, causing criminal damage and chucking a starlet round a room like attending a dwarf throwing contest. Shame on you. When I asked my facebook chums, a lot seemed to like the idea of lubing me up like some woman in a hipety hop video and having their merry way with me, now I'm all for experimentation, and I am most certainly not a prude, but I'm sorry, hardcore gay sex with my friends, not my scene, go daisy chain amongst yourselves boys. And remember, practice safe sex, make sure the doors are locked.


Only two topics for you this time, the second topic we talked about was Nicknames. Now I was influenced by the amazing comdian Greg Davies and started thinking about my own nicknames over the years. Aside from the bullying of Fat Bastard, Fut Fuck and Chunky Roulade from my own brother, I have had Throbin....pretty normal by all accounts, Uncle Kracker as I bore a seemingly dodgy lookalike to the US rapper/country singer and finally Reuben, of which I have no recollection of why??? So again, I put it to the facebook peoples...

I also think I should explain my dad's last one. The LFK. Firstly, you need to understand my father. My dad is the kind of dad who gets you to give yourself an electric shock on a wire that he has whole heartedly promised is not live for his own entertainment. My dad is the kind of man who drinks a glass of juice which you have prepared yourself whilst you aren't looking and then talks about it with friends and family, including it as an anecdote at your own wedding, EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AFTER IT HAPPENED! My dad lives for his own amusement, he is solely on this Earth to amuse himself, and LFK is the adoring little nickname he gave me when I was three years old, and has subsequently used for the other twenty three years of my life. LFK stands for Little Fat Kid. Thanks dad. You bastard.
Since I am having some form of regression at the moment, and I'm thinking about calling Child Line (Yes I know it doesn't exsist....), I shall leave you with the clip that made me howl the most from Mr Davies's stand up DVD "Firing Cheeseballs at a dog" Enjoy.